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Predictable

Shay Sheridan

Fandom: Samurai Champloo.
For Miss Pamela on her birthday


"Stop it!"

There they go again.

"Oh, come on, you know you want me to, don'tcha? I can show you how it's done, so when you finally get tits you'll actually know what to do with 'em—"

"I said no!"

"Ya don't know what you're missing, girlie—"

Jin didn't have to look up to know Mugen was leering ear to ear. Nor did he have to look to know exactly what Fuu was about to do:

THW-A-A-A-A-K!

Hah. Predictable.

When the shoji slammed shut, Jin didn't need to look up from polishing his weapons to know that it was Fuu -- red-faced, hair askew, fists coiled -- doing the slamming. He did, however, turn his gaze sideways as Mugen slid down to the floor near him, and was rewarded for his trouble by the amusing sight of an angry red handprint on Mugen's cheek.

"What're you smiling at?"

"Hm."

"Hey!" Mugen was up and in Jin's face in a heartbeat. "Wanna fight?"

"No."

"Listen, you four-eyed--"

"No," Jin repeated firmly. "I won't be provoked into a fight just because you're horny." He arched an eyebrow and looked down his nose. "I don't know why you keep trying with her."

"Who asked you?"

"Hm."

Mugan spat. "It's not like she's attractive or anything. No tits. Who the hell'd wanna sleep with her, anyway?" He spat again for good measure, narrowly missing Jin's foot. "Be like sleeping on a plank. Prob'ly get splinters in my dick."

Jin refrained from pointing out they'd been sleeping on plank floors for some time without adverse affect. "So there's no problem, then."

"Right," Mugen said, rubbing his cheek. He leaned back against the wall and scowled. "It's just that there's no other woman around."

"Ah."

Mugen went from rubbing his cheek to scratching his armpit. "Don't have any money to buy one even if there was."

"Ah."

Mugen mined something fascinating from one nostril. "Shit. I really, really, need to get laid."

"Mm," Jin said. "And both your hands are broken, are they?"

"My hands…?" Mugen looked at him blankly until the coin dropped. "Shut up! I want a woman, okay?"

Jin checked the reflection in the high gloss of his katana and caught Mugen glaring at him. He sheathed the blade and tucked the cloth away. "Fuu's never going to sleep with you. That is, unless you…" He shrugged. "Never mind."

Mugen stuck out his lower jaw in a way that made him look positively simian. "Unless I what?"

"Mm."

"What?!"

"It's not important."

"Wait a minute!" Mugen's large hand was suddenly wrapped around Jin's upper arm, and he had to fight the impulse to use his blade to make knuckle sushi. "What were you going to say?"

"Nothing you'd listen to."

"Damn straight I wouldn't." Jin extricated himself from the iron grip, and waited, mentally ticking off the seconds until... "You sayin' you could get her into bed, and I couldn't?" Hah. Seven seconds. "Shyeah, right. Like she'd go for a boring stiff like you."

"I have no desire to sleep with her."

"Then what are you saying?" Mugen sneered.

Jin got up in a fluid motion and looked out the door. As he'd expected, Fuu was nowhere in sight. If past behavior were any indication, she'd spend a few hours in a snit, airing grievances to her pet squirrel, and then would return, argument forgotten. All highly predictable. He slid the screen shut again and turned an appraising eye on Mugen, who was still glaring at him pugnaciously...and yet somewhat expectantly.

Well, thought Jin. This should be interesting.

"I may not want to sleep with Fuu," he said, "but I understand her better than you do." He placed his weapons carefully near the door before settling on the rush matting a few feet from where Mugen sprawled. "If I did want to sleep with her, I'd know how to get her to agree."

"You don't know anything." Mugen folded his arms behind his head and leaned against the wall "I'm the one who knows about women."

"You know about whores."

"Same difference."

Jin shook his head. "Cretin."

Mugen regarded him blankly. "Whuh?"

"You've never had a woman who's anything but a whore. I know you, Mugen. You can force a woman into bed, or you can buy one. I'm sure you'd make an excellent rapist, if you're not one already. But meet a woman who's not a whore and you haven't got a chance. Fuu may not be a lady, but she needs to be wooed."

"Wooed? What the hell does that mean?"

"You really are ignorant," Jin said mildly. "She needs to be treated respectfully, and enticed into relations, not bullied."

"Oh yeah?" Mugen reached out a finger and poked him in the chest. "And you know this how? From a, a book?" He managed to make the word sound like the filthiest of epithets. "What the hell do you know about women anyway?"

Jin sniffed. "I'm not as inexperienced as you think I am."

Mugen gaped at him, and then dissolved into laughter. "You're fucking kidding me."

Jin held his gaze.

Mugen's laughter faded and his eyes grew large. "You're not fucking kidding me?"

Jin arched an eyebrow.

Mugen's expression of surprise melted into a familiar leer. "So what we talkin' here – how many women you had? Ever had two at once? Huh? C'mon, give!"

Fascinating how he now had the idiot's undivided attention! All it took was the subject of sex. Utterly predictable. "I have no intention of recounting my conquests so you can use them for your masturbatory fantasies."

"For my…huh?"

"I do, however, know…certain ways of approaching someone with…delicacy."

"Oh yeah?" Mugen scratched his chin again, but his eyes had narrowed. Clearly devious thoughts were crossing his tiny mind; Jin barely managed to keep himself from laughing. "Certain ways, huh?" Mugen leaned closer. "Like what ways? You know some sort of special samurai positions or somethin'?"

"I thought you didn't want advice from me." Jin turned away and closed his eyes.

Mugen would not be put off so easily. "Hey! If you know something, it's your duty to tell me."

"My duty? In what alternate reality is it my duty to help you deflower Fuu?"

"Isn't that like some sort of samurai code thing? Helping the needy? Being charitable? Helping someone in distress?" Mugen grabbed Jin's gi in both fists. "I'm in distress here, buddy! You gotta help me!"

"Bushido does not cover getting you laid, Mugen." Jin slapped his hands away. "Leave me alone."

"I won't leave you alone until you tell me. C'mon, Jin!" A new wheedling tone had entered Mugen's voice. Jin noted it carefully, filing it away for future mockery. "Come on! You want me to beg? Okay, I--" Mugen caught himself and frowned. "Well, I'm not gonna beg, but I won't quit bugging you until you tell me. I'll nag you all day and all night, and I won't shut up until you tell me what you know. I swear I'll drive you nuts—"

And you would, too, wouldn't you? "All right! If it will stop this ridiculous behavior, I'll tell you what to do. But I don't want you to hurt her, you understand?"

Mugen smirked. "Me? Hurt her? Yeah, well, what, you mean, stick it in her too fast, or—"

"Aah, no, I don't mean that. I mean, don't trifle with her feelings. Be nice to her. And talk to her afterwards. Women like that."

"They do?" Mugen screwed up his face and contemplated this bit of wisdom. "Yeah, they do. They never shut up and let you sleep, after."

"Mugen…"

"Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll make nice with her, promise. Satisfied?"

"Hm."

"Okay – so, give! How do I get her into the sack?"

"All right," Jin said, assuming a serious expression. "Before I start, you have to promise one other thing, to do exactly what I tell you to do – no sarcastic remarks, no arguing."

"But—"

"Forget it."

"Fine, I promise! Sheesh. Go ahead, sensei. Teach me."

Jin gritted his teeth at the mockery but did not slice Mugen into tiny pieces. That was for later. "To begin, you must speak nicely to the object of your interest. Approach the person with respect. I know it's difficult, but try not to be threatening. Speak softly. Say something like—" Jin pitched his voice into a throaty near-whisper. "'May I accompany you?'"

Mugen looked around in confusion. "Where?"

"No, no--" Moron. "It's a way to start a conversation. Go ahead, try it. 'May I accompany you?'"

Mugen frowned. "What, like now? But she's not here."

Jin refrained from murder. "Say it to me, then. Pretend I'm Fuu."

The wrinkle between Mugen's brows deepened. "You don't look anything like Fuu."

Jin clenched his fists, wishing for a weapon. "All right, all right. Perhaps I should show you. I'll pretend I'm you, and you're Fuu, and—no, no, I know you don't look like her, just, please, go with me here." He leaned in and stared at Mugen intently. "I am trying to help you."

Mugen stared back sullenly; then, as Jin expected, Mugen's desperate libido took over. "Yeah, okay. Show me."

"Fine." Jin reached over and took Mugen's hand. Mugen started to pull away; Jin held on. "If I may take the liberty," Jin said politely, tilting his head down and looking at Mugen over his glasses. He let his lashes sweep down halfway and then peered up through them seductively, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. He lowered his voice. "May I?"

"I…uh," Mugen said, narrowing his eyes. "So… are you pretending I'm Fuu, already?"

"Please," Jin continued, in the same politely interested tone. "No words. For some time I have admired you from afar. I find thoughts of you obsess me."

Mugen yanked his hand away. "Are you telling me this crap really works?"

"Sssh!" Jin ordered harshly. He took a deep breath and resumed his previous demeanor. "You are…extremely attractive. Please. May I touch your hand?" He didn't wait for an answer, but took one of Mugen's callused hands between his own. Jin's thumb began to make tiny circles under the tattooed wrist. "Please…let me be with you. Let me love you."

"Man, this is such a load of—"

Jin gritted his teeth, but pressed on. "Here." One of his hands slid upward under the short sleeve of Mugen's tunic. The other continued to stroke his wrist. "Your skin is like the golden sands on the shores of the Western Sea. Your eyes are two onyx jewels—"

Mugen snorted. "That's lame. 'Onyx jewels,' heh."

Jin dropped Mugen's hand in disgust. "Well, if you don't want me to help you…"

"'Kay – don't get your pants in a knot!" He stuck his face right up into Jin's, so close Jin could see the individual hairs on Mugen's chin. "You swear this will work?"

"Oh, yes," Jin said. "I absolutely predict it will."

"Well…" Mugen said dubiously. He chewed his lower lip for a moment. "Okay, go on." He stuck out his hand again. "Lessee…hand, arm, sand, jewels. I think I got it."

"Oh, I'm certain you'll get it in the end," predicted Jin in all sincerity.

His hand traveled up Mugen's arm until he reached the juncture of neck and shoulder, where he began to knead the sinews gently. After a time he felt the muscles start to relax under his hands. Excellent. He leaned in, forcing Mugen to recline, and let his other hand drift to the stubbly cheek. "You smell like the wildflowers that grow on the mountainside," Jin lied, ignoring Mugen's actual aroma. His fingers toyed with the skin of Mugen's neck and ears for a few moments, until Mugen dropped his head back, offering his throat. "Please…let me…" Jin whispered, letting his breath blow across Mugen's ear. His long white fingers stroked together to the front of the ragged tunic, where he began to untie the lacings. Mugen no longer seemed to want to protest; his eyes were half-shut and his breath had quickened. Jin leaned in to nuzzle his neck; Mugen didn't actually smell too bad today – he'd apparently bathed fairly recently. He licked the skin beneath Mugen's ear. Mugen shivered.

Jin made quick work of the lacings, revealing tanned flesh beneath. "If I may take the liberty…" When Mugen made no protest, Jin leaned in and kissed him. He felt the jolt as Mugen started to react, but Jin pulled away quickly and licked a long swipe down the center of the brown chest, tasting the slight salty tang. There was a sharp intake of breath as cool air hit the damp strip. Mugen's body quivered under his like a taut string.

"Your body is beautiful," Jin said softly, not completely untruthfully. "I've wanted to touch you for a long time."

"Too much talking," Mugen muttered.

Jin smiled behind the curtain of his hair and leaned down to fasten his mouth on one brown nipple. Mugen arched off the floor. "Hey, what are—"

"Mmm," Jin hummed; the vibration stifled Mugen's protest and made him arch again. He licked across the muscled chest to the other nipple and playfully flicked it, then toyed with it with light pressure from his teeth.

This time he got a moan in response. "That feels…" Mugen breathed.

"If you'll allow…" Jin said tantalizingly, his fingers skimming downward along Mugen's stomach, mouth following, nipping as he went. With each movement of Jin's hands and lips, Mugen's muscles contracted and released. There was a slight sheen of sweat on the tawny skin.

Mugen swallowed. "I don't—"

"This is a very important part," Jin observed. "You do want to learn the technique, don't you?"

"Well…" Mugen swallowed again. "Yeah, yeah, okay, sure, I'll allow…"

Jin's skilled fingers moved downward, undoing the knots tying up Mugen's short pants; the thin fabric was already tented by an impressive erection. Hah. Mugen was predictably easy to arouse. The last bit of clothing slid away and Mugen lay bare before him.

Abruptly Jin dropped his seductive manner. "Hm," he said, frowning.

"What? This is where you stop?" Mugen's eyes jolted open. "You call that a technique? You didn't even close the deal!"

"I know. But you see…I'm really not sure if I…"

"What? What?" There was a fascinatingly desperate note in Mugen's gruff voice. "You're not sure of what?"

"Well," Jin said, assuming a pose of contemplation as he considered Mugen's body. "There is the question of what comes next. The anatomy is different, you see, and I wouldn't want to confuse you."

"I'm not confused!" Mugen protested, voice rising to a whine. "I'm not! You can't just stop there!"

"Hm," Jin said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I suppose I could…improvise."

"Sure! Yeah! That's the idea." Mugen lay back again, splayed out and quite naked. "Improvise me."

Almost ridiculously predictable! Jin resumed his seductive pose and polite voice. "I can't hold back. Please…let me." He curved his body over Mugen's until their noses nearly touched. "Let me make you mine."

Mugen's flushed skin and labored breathing were quite eloquent despite his lack of words. I like you like this, Jin thought, not at all surprised by his reaction. Silent and aroused suits you, pirate boy. The not-talking was the quite possibly the best part.

He hadn't intended to do it, but he kissed Mugen again because the man's face was too wrought with lust to ignore. This time Mugen didn't even try to protest; instead one strong arm laced over Jin's back and pulled him in. He was taken aback -- the ardent nature of Mugen's kiss was the first surprising thing that had happened. Suddenly there was a strength equal to Jin's own vying with him for control.

Well, he'd have none of that.

His left hand was already on the ties of his own hakama; the other slid along the floor sideways until it encountered the pot of polishing oil he'd left in place. His movements were smooth and unhurried despite the mounting intensity as lips parted, tongues jousted, teeth nipped and mouths devoured each other. His clothing loosened, Jin dipped his fingers into the oil and moved to coat himself.

Mugen shifted under him, apparently in an effort to bring them closer together. Jin reached with his free hand and lifted one of Mugen's hairy legs, pressing it back and making him more accessible. Mugen made no protest, merely grunting at the sensation of Jin's heated skin meeting his own. When Jin's fingers reached the entry to Mugen's body, however, he jerked and pulled away, eyes flying open. "What—"

"Ssh," Jin said soothingly. "I'm you, and you're Fuu, remember? You've got her where you want her, now, don't you?"

Mugen's eyes clouded with confusion. "But…I…"

Jin circled the puckered opening with sure fingers. "Don't you?"

Mugen's eyes started to roll back in ecstasy. "Yeah, sure," he panted. "You're me, I'm Fuu, yeah, right," he babbled. "I'm Fuu. Do her, do her." He gasped as one finger pushed slowly inside. "Do her. Do me. Do me."

"Yes," Jin breathed, smiling into Mugen's mouth. Two fingers circled and pressed; he felt Mugen contract around them. When Mugen began to moan in earnest and thrash his head about, Jin withdrew his hand, grabbed himself and thrust inside completely.

Mugen screamed, but not in pain, apparently. Instantly both legs were clenched around Jin's back, pulling him more firmly into his living sheath. Jin exerted pressure enough to pull back so he could thrust again; Mugen gasped and pushed back with equal force. Another pull, another push, and Jin's oiled fingers closed around Mugen's erection. Mugen's grunts hit a note of guttural ecstasy that Jin should've found laughable, but strangely he didn't have the slightest urge to laugh. Sweat coated his own skin now as he struggled to hang on. He was close, very close, but he was damned if he'd come before Mugen.

He was pounding in and out of Mugen's skinny ass now, with greater and greater urgency, and finally, finally, just when he feared he was going to lose this particular battle, Jin heard a sound from Mugen like a baboon being strangled. Another thrust, another baboon-like noise and the wiry body under him shivered violently and warm wetness splashed between them. Jin thrust several times more -- shallow, desperate movements, then reached his own intense climax with a heartfelt groan. He froze for an interminable moment, pouring himself into Mugen. Finally he collapsed on top, utterly exhausted.

Perhaps he passed out.

In any case, he became aware of an irritating racket and something sharp poking him. Jin lifted his head, blinking foggily. Somewhere he'd evidently lost his glasses.

"—off me! Get off!"

Ah. The sharp object was Mugen's hand, stabbing him in the chest, and the racket was Mugen himself, protesting. Jin rolled off and lay there panting.

"What the hell was that?" growled Mugen threateningly.

"Wooing," Jin said, bracing for the onset of violence, which would be absolutely predictable under the circumstances.

"I ought to kill you," Mugen said, but didn't attempt it. "You fucked me."

"Ah," Jin said. "But it was really you fucking Fuu, wasn't it? Besides -- don't you feel better now?"

"Well…" Mugen had to think about it for a minute. "Yeah, okay," he said, somewhat grudgingly. "I guess so."

"Good," Jin said, pulling his clothing together and settling in for a nap. "Now shut up and let me rest." A good thing men, unlike women, didn’t want to talk endlessly afterwards.

Turned away from Mugen, he allowed himself a smug smile. Utterly, totally, ridiculously predictable, Jin thought as he fell asleep. Serves the idiot right.

*~*

A few feet away, Mugen rolled over and muffled a laugh in the crook of his arm. Huh. Next time he'd make Jin be on the bottom. Might be fun that way, too.

He grinned. It was so easy to get the dork to do what he wanted.

Jin was so predictable, after all.


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