Stop Me If You've Heard This One

Shay Sheridan

Maybe it's a prequel to the episode "Asylum." Then again, maybe not.

A guy walks into a bar.

No. The wrong guy walks into a bar.

No. It's not a bar, it's an alley. The wrong guy walks into an alley, and—

No, wait. It goes like this:

Hey. Hey. Back up a little. There's this guy, let's call him Ray, and there's this other guy, let's call him. . .Ray. Well, anyway. This Ray, the second one, doesn't show up yet, so forget him for now. So this guy Ray – the first one, he has this friend, let's call him Volpe, only, see, they're not really friends, they're more like, say, guys that hate each other's guts, but this Ray guy, he owes this Volpe guy because the Volpe dude did some stuff for him. For the first Ray, got it? Okay, just hang in there. Sometimes, for his job, Ray does stuff for Volpe, and sometimes it works the other way. Volpe really, really likes the way Ray twitches when they're in the same room. Or alley. Why? See, the thing is, Ray don't like how Volpe gives him The Look – you know The Look, the top-to-bottom, checking-out-the-goods look, that guys usually only give to girls, except those guys who like guys the way the first guys like girls. Because this Volpe dude is one of those guys, and Ray – the first one, keep it straight, so to speak – he's not. So Ray just keeps twitching and Volpe keeps giving him the eye and smirking at him, and making suggestions to him, until Ray wants to do something permanent to Volpe, which he can't, because of the him-owing-Volpe part.

With me so far? Good.

So this thing happens all of a sudden, and Ray – the first Ray – has to go away, fast. And the Powers That Be, in their Infinite Wisdom, decide that Ray being gone is a Bad Thing.

Enter Ray. The second Ray, because now you can forget the first one, because he don't come back into the story for a long time. This second Ray don't even know the first one, he don't know Volpe, and in fact he don't know shit about dick except how to be good at his job and lousy at his marriage, which is over. His marriage is over pretty much because of his job, but also because his wife got pissed that Ray turned out to be one of "those" guys, the kind who like guys like other guys like girls -- you know. Well, he liked her well enough, but she wanted to be the only one Ray gave The Look to. And she wasn't.


Ray – number two – feeling like all sorts of crap, what with the divorce and all, starts screwing up on the job which he used to be good at. He finds out from The Powers That Be that he's gonna get a transfer, because pretty much nobody can stand him any more. So he figures he's got two options: 1) take the transfer or 2) shoot himself in the head with his own gun. He could flip a coin, but instead decides to hit the bars and get wasted enough to let the booze decide for him.

This guy – Ray – walks into a bar.

He heads to a place where guys who sometimes like guys feel right at home, and he sits down at the bar to have a beer or nine. Pretty soon he's still feeling the pain about his wife, but he's so far gone he don't really give a rat's ass about it. Still, he's not blind drunk yet, so he notices when this guy sidles up to the next bar stool and gives him The Look. Let's call this guy Volpe.

This guy is the color of the mocha or cappuccino Ray's wife used to drink, and he has big, pretty lips which look soft, and he's licking them with an eager pink tongue, like he wants to eat Ray all up like the Big Bad Wolf ate Grandma. The look in his eyes is scorching Ray's eyebrows right off his face. Ray looks at him, and he looks back at Ray.

"Hey," Ray says.

"Yo," the guy says.

They don't shake hands or nothing.

They get up and go outside.

Two guys walk into an alley.

Turns out Volpe's lips are soft as they looked. They stroke down Ray's belly above his belt, that pretty pink tongue leaving a wet trail down into his shorts. Ray's back is against the wall, and he's banging his head against the brick, but he don't feel it, he don't have any sensation anywhere else in his body but that one spot where Volpe's mouth is. Volpe's good at this stuff; he's got Ray's zipper down and Ray's dick out and he's sucking him off in something like twelve seconds from when they hit the alley.

Ray knows this is wrong and too fast and really dangerous, but he's had those nine beers and he was gonna off himself this evening anyway, and he doesn't give a fuck about anything right now but fucking or sucking or whatever else Volpe has in mind. So when Volpe stops licking Ray's stomach and starts licking Ray's balls instead, well, he's happy to go with the program. And when Volpe deep throats Ray's dick, Ray thinks "Why the hell not?" And when Volpe sticks his finger up Ray's asshole, he thinks – sure, why not, buddy, knock yourself out. It's not like Ray's gonna argue with that.

Soon (really soon, really waaaay too soon) Ray knows he's gonna come, and he starts to tell Volpe, but Volpe knows the signs, and backs off so Ray can shoot all over his own stomach. Before Ray can even see again, Volpe shoves him around, shoves his pants all the way down and shoves his own dick up Ray's hole. Ray has time for one "Hey, owww!" before Volpe's pounding into him and Ray's going from "What the hell?" to "Oh yeah, harder, harder!" This time it takes longer, but Ray's okay with that, he's A-OK with that, in fact he's wishing he could have Volpe's mocha-colored meat shoved into him forever, but all good things, yadda, yadda. Volpe grunts, pulls out and shoots all over Ray's back, and the hot spooge on his skin makes Ray come again, too.

Ray slides down the wall, and his pants are all bunched up around his ankles, and he's probably sitting in garbage, but who the fuck cares. "Thanks," he says. "That was—"

"Yeah, whatever, man," Volpe says, licking his lips and zipping himself up.

Ray pulls himself together. "So, you wanna—"

"Nah," Volpe says. And he turns around and starts to go.


Volpe stops, gives Ray a really arrogant look. "Yeah? What?"

"That's it?"

"That's it for now," Volpe says, giving Ray The Look. He snorts. "I'll catch ya later, man."

"Yeah, right." Ray stands there, his mouth open, his dick out, his back sticky. He's pissed off, really ticked with the arrogance of the guy. But he's well-fucked enough that he kinda does hope there is a later. So he decides maybe he won't shoot himself in the head, at least not tonight. He takes the transfer.

Turns out it's not too bad, except for the fact he's supposed to be playing the part of this other guy named Ray, the first one.

Remember him?

There's weird stuff in this job, like a Mountie, and a wolf, and Duck Boys and leaping off buildings and other shit you wouldn't believe, but despite himself Ray kinda starts to have a life.

And then one day for work he gets an assignment.

A guy walks into a bar—

No. A guy walks into an alley—

No, Ray walks into an alley—

The second Ray walks into an alley--

And there's the guy from the bar.

"Hey," the guy says.

"You?" Ray says. "You're Volpe?"

"Yeah," Volpe says. "Small world, huh?" He gives Ray The Look. "Yeah, I heard Vecchio had more hair these days. They forgot to say he's got a sweet ass, too."

"You knew? You knew he was gone?"

"Sure," Volpe says. He smiles in that arrogant way Ray remembers. "I even know where he's at right now. His sister don't even know that. I know everything about him. Ray owes me."

"Yeah?" Ray moves closer and gives Volpe The Look right back. "Way I figure it, you owe me, now."

Volpe smiles. "Maybe," he says, real soft. Ray looks at Volpe's lips. "Maybe I do."

Ray smiles back just like Volpe smiles.

And that's pretty much the whole story.

--Well, except for that part, the other part, the not so nice part that happened later. But you don't wanna hear that, trust me. And then there's the part where Ray – the first one – gets married to Ray's – the second one's – ex-wife. Pretty ironic, huh?

--what's that? You wanted a punch line?

Hey. Not every story has a punch line, asshole.

Live with it.

redchance @
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