Triplicomedy!

Shay Sheridan

Written for Primroseburrows for the 2nd Due South Bad!Fic contest.

Prim's prompt: "A C6D sitcom based on The Patty Duke Show! Duck MacDonald is happily living on Wilby Island with his boyfriend Dan, when he gets a visit from his identical cousin Ray Kowalski. Suddenly, other identicals are showing up, possibly due to genetics/alien intervention/wormhole/cylon technology/magical puppies/no particular reason at all... let the author decide! There's Benton Fraser and his identical cousins Geoffrey and Gus! Joe Dick and Mike Sweeney!Leoben and Leoben! Darren Nichols and Ray Lieberman! Wacky hijinks ensue--the possibilities are endless!!!!"

As you wish, Primrose. As you wish.



OPENING THEME:

Meet Leo who's lived in outer space,
He'd like to kill the Human Race.
But Ray's a cop and Duck can paint—
His town is small and really quaint,
What a wacky place!

But they're triples,
Identical triples all the way,
So many matching faces,
Each different as night and day.

Gus wears his collar facing back,
And Geoffrey's just a Shakespeare hack
But Fraser's always dressed in red–
And each one's crazy in the head!
Everybody's wack!

Still, they're housemates,
Identical triples, three and three,
They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even talk alike --

(Hey – don't forget Bil-ly!)

It's Wilby…Tripli-comedy!

ANNOUNCER:
Triplicomedy! is brought to you by Doublemint Gum and Xerox, and by America's newest vacation spot, The DoubleTree Lodge at Three Mile Island. Three Mile Island: making nuclear power fun for everyone!

LIGHTS UP

LOUD GUITAR MUSIC IS PLAYING OFF SET. DUCK AND DAN ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH HOLDING HANDS. GUS AND GEOFFREY ARE PLAYING CARDS.

GUS:
And I win again! [LOOKS TO HEAVENS] Thanks, Jesus. Pay up, Geoffrey.

GEOFFREY:
[THROWS DOWN CARDS] "O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!"

LEOBEN:
[ON PHONE] Okay, catch you later. And remember -- you're special, Kara.
[HANGS UP]

RAY:
[ENTERING. TO LEOBEN] 'You're special, Kara?' Jeez, Duck -- Do chicks really fall for that crap?

LEOBEN:
I'm not Duck. I'm Leoben.

RAY:
Oh, right, right. You're the cyborg dude.

LEOBEN:
Cylon. Cy-lon.

RAY:
No need to be snippy, Leo di Snarkio.

LEOBEN:
[MUTTERS] Human.

RAY:
Freak. [LOOKS AROUND] Freaks.

LEOBEN:
There are many copies.

RAY:
Yeah, thanks, Rayban, like we hadn't noticed.

LEOBEN:
Many copies.

RAY:
Shut up.

LEOBEN:
It has all happened before, and it will happen again.

EVERYONE:
Shut up!

[AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FALLS]

GUS:
[BRIGHTLY] Perhaps a short prayer might be in order. Dear God—

LEOBEN:
[CORRECTING] "Gods."

GUS:
Fuck you.

LEOBEN:
[CORRECTING] "Frak" you.

DAN:
[TO RAY] Maybe you should move into my house for a while, Duck, to get away from…all this.

RAY:
Don't tell me, tell him! He's Duck! Jesus, this sucks so bad. I can't believe all this happens from one measly little nuclear accident! [TO DAN] And you! Can't even tell which one of us is your boyfriend. Seriously. I don't even look queer.

[ENTER FRASER]

FRASER:
Well, actually, Ray–

RAY:
Oh fuck me with a– Fraser!
[HE LOOKS AT GUS AND GEOFFREY AND CLUTCHES FRASER WITH DESPERATION]
It is you, Fraser, isn't it?

FRASER: I came as fast as I could, Ray. Er…Ray? [LOOKS AT DUCK]
Ray?
[DUCK SHAKES HEAD. FRASER LOOKS AT LEOBEN]
Ray?

LEOBEN:
[SHRUGGING] There are many–

BILLY:
[COMES IN FROM KITCHEN CARRYING GUITAR] Who took my stash?

FRASER:
Ray, I didn't know you played! How wonderful! We can start a band! [PAUL GROSS ARMS]

GUS:
I'm in! [PAUL GROSS ARMS]

GEOFFREY:
Me, too! [PAUL GROSS ARMS]

BILLY AND RAY:
Freaks.

GEOFFREY:
[TO FRASER] You handsome devil! "How hast thou made division of thyself?"

FRASER:
I beg your pardon?

GUS:
[WHISPERS TO FRASER] Ac-tor.

FRASER:
Ah.

[ANOTHER AWKWARD SILENCE]

FRASER:
Pardon my asking, but with which one of you Rays did I have penetrative sex last night?

[RAY, LEOBEN AND BILLY RAISE THEIR HANDS. AFTER A MOMENT DUCK DOES TOO]

LEOBEN:
Whoa, there are many copies.

DAN:
That's it. I'm leaving.

DUCK:
But—

DAN:
Call me when there's only one of you. [GOES TO DOOR, TAKES BROOM FROM CLOSET] I’m borrowing this.
[EXITS]

GUS:
I love men with brooms.

FRASER: As do I.

GEOFFREY: Yea, verily. [THEY SIGH TOGETHER]

DUCK:
Ahem. [EVERYONE WAITS FOR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY] Things here…ain't right.

GEOFFREY:
"Brevity is the soul of wit."

BILLY:
Fuck you.

LEOBEN:
[CORRECTING] Frak you.

RAY:
You tell him, Rayban.

LEOBEN:
Frak you, too.

FRASER:
Now, everyone, let's not fly off the handle. If we approach this calmly, with a modicum of logic, it would seem there is a way to determine which is which and who is who, much as one Canada goose can determine which of any number of identical goslings is in fact its own, as has been shown in Inuit—

RAY:
I don't even have to look to know that's you, Fraser.

FRASER:
Ah.

RAY:
Just….can it, okay?

FRASER:
As you wish, Ray. That is, if you are Ray.

BILLY:
Shouldn't be too hard to tell those three apart. F'r'instance, this guy— [POINTS AT FRASER]

FRASER:
Hello, Ray. [WAVES AT BILLY]

BILLY:
Shut the fuck up.

FRASER:
Understood.

BILLY:
He's wearing red, for Chrissakes, which should tell you douchebags that he's, like, Santa Claus, or something—

FRASER:
Well, no, Ray, I'm a—

BILLY:
[UP IN HIS FACE] Not Ray! Not, not, not! Jeez, buy a clue.

RAY:
[PULLS BILLY BACK] Okay, okay, settle down before I have to cuff you. [WHISPERS] Look, I know you want to hit him. God knows I always do, but chill, buddy.

BILLY:
I ain't your buddy, I'm your…um…[AT A LOSS]

GUS:
Right – what the hell are we?

FRASER:
Darned if I know.

RAY:
Beats me.

GEOFFREY:
"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio…"

[DUCK SHRUGS]

LEOBEN:
There are many, many, many, many copies.

FRASER:
If you'll allow me...As you all know, I first came to Wilby on the trail of nuclear terrorists, and, for reasons which don't need exploring at this juncture—

GUS:
[CHECKS WATCH] Excuse me, but is this going to take long? I have a wedding in Buffalo Jump at two-thirty.

GEOFFREY:
"I am gone, sir, and anon, sir, I'll be with you again!" [OPENS CABINET, FINDS SKULL AND BOTTLE OF BOOZE] Huzzah!

DUCK:
[SUDDENLY EXPLODES INTO ACTION] Okay, that's it. Everybody out! I mean it! Go! [HE STARTS TO PULL THEM UP AND PUSH THEM TOWARD THE DOOR] I can't take one more minute of this. All of you, get out of my house!

[JOSTLING EACH OTHER, THEY EXIT.]

BILLY:
Dude, no need to shove—

FRASER:
Thank you kindly for all your hospi—

GEOFFREY:
"Exit, stage left!"

DUCK:
[SLAMS DOOR] Whew! Good riddance. Thank goodness that's over.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What the hell do they want now?

[HE FLINGS OPEN DOOR. JOE DICK, MIKE SWEENEY, DARREN NICHOLS, RAY LIEBERMAN, OLLIE FROM MASTERMINDS AND A COUPLE MORE LEOBENS STAND THERE]

JOE:
Hey, cuntface. Mind if we come in?

DUCK:
[TO CAMERA] Oh no!

FADE TO BLACK

CLOSING THEME: [Addams Family]

Doo da doo doo [SNAP SNAP]
Doo da doo doo [SNAP SNAP]
Doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo [SNAP SNAP]
There's Leoben and Billy,
Their home life is a dilly,
Wilby will be silly
It's Triplicomedy!

There's Gus and Duck and Stanley ["It's Ray!"]
And Geoffrey who's a ham-ly
They're not a normal fam'ly,
It's Triplicomedy!

Doo da doo doo
(Boys!)
Doo da doo doo
(Noise!)
Doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo
(Annoyed!)

The situation's sticky,
And living here is tricky,
The whole thing's kinda icky,
It's Trip-li-co-me-dy!


redchance @ aol.com
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