Written for Primroseburrows for the 2nd Due South Bad!Fic contest.
Prim's prompt: "A C6D sitcom based on The Patty Duke Show! Duck MacDonald is happily living
on Wilby Island with his boyfriend Dan, when he gets a visit from his identical cousin Ray
Kowalski. Suddenly, other identicals are showing up, possibly due to genetics/alien intervention/wormhole/cylon technology/magical puppies/no particular reason at all...
let the author decide! There's Benton Fraser and his identical cousins Geoffrey and Gus!
Joe Dick and Mike Sweeney!Leoben and Leoben! Darren Nichols and Ray Lieberman! Wacky hijinks
ensue--the possibilities are endless!!!!"
As you wish, Primrose. As you wish.
Meet Leo who's lived in outer space,
He'd like to kill the Human Race.
But Ray's a cop and Duck can paint—
His town is small and really quaint,
What a wacky place!
But they're triples,
Identical triples all the way,
So many matching faces,
Each different as night and day.
Gus wears his collar facing back,
And Geoffrey's just a Shakespeare hack
But Fraser's always dressed in red–
And each one's crazy in the head!
Still, they're housemates,
Identical triples, three and three,
They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even talk alike --
(Hey – don't forget Bil-ly!)
Triplicomedy! is brought to you by Doublemint Gum and Xerox, and by America's newest vacation spot, The DoubleTree Lodge at Three Mile Island. Three Mile Island: making nuclear power fun for everyone!
LOUD GUITAR MUSIC IS PLAYING OFF SET. DUCK AND DAN ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH HOLDING HANDS. GUS AND GEOFFREY ARE PLAYING CARDS.
And I win again! [LOOKS TO HEAVENS] Thanks, Jesus. Pay up, Geoffrey.
[THROWS DOWN CARDS] "O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!"
[ON PHONE] Okay, catch you later. And remember -- you're special, Kara.
[ENTERING. TO LEOBEN] 'You're special, Kara?' Jeez, Duck -- Do chicks really fall for that crap?
I'm not Duck. I'm Leoben.
Oh, right, right. You're the cyborg dude.
No need to be snippy, Leo di Snarkio.
Freak. [LOOKS AROUND] Freaks.
There are many copies.
Yeah, thanks, Rayban, like we hadn't noticed.
It has all happened before, and it will happen again.
[AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FALLS]
[BRIGHTLY] Perhaps a short prayer might be in order. Dear God—
[CORRECTING] "Frak" you.
[TO RAY] Maybe you should move into my house for a while, Duck, to get away from…all this.
Don't tell me, tell him! He's Duck! Jesus, this sucks so bad.
I can't believe all this happens from one measly little nuclear accident! [TO DAN] And you! Can't even
tell which one of us is your boyfriend. Seriously. I don't even look queer.
Well, actually, Ray–
Oh fuck me with a– Fraser!
[HE LOOKS AT GUS AND GEOFFREY AND CLUTCHES FRASER WITH
It is you, Fraser, isn't it?
FRASER: I came as fast as I could, Ray. Er…Ray? [LOOKS AT DUCK]
HEAD. FRASER LOOKS AT LEOBEN]
[SHRUGGING] There are many–
[COMES IN FROM KITCHEN CARRYING GUITAR] Who took my stash?
Ray, I didn't know you played! How wonderful! We can start a band! [PAUL GROSS ARMS]
I'm in! [PAUL GROSS ARMS]
Me, too! [PAUL GROSS ARMS]
BILLY AND RAY:
[TO FRASER] You handsome devil! "How hast thou made division of thyself?"
I beg your pardon?
[WHISPERS TO FRASER] Ac-tor.
[ANOTHER AWKWARD SILENCE]
Pardon my asking, but with which one of you Rays did I have penetrative sex last
[RAY, LEOBEN AND BILLY RAISE THEIR HANDS. AFTER A MOMENT DUCK DOES TOO]
Whoa, there are many copies.
That's it. I'm leaving.
Call me when there's only one of you. [GOES TO DOOR, TAKES BROOM FROM CLOSET] I’m borrowing this.
I love men with brooms.
FRASER: As do I.
GEOFFREY: Yea, verily. [THEY SIGH TOGETHER]
Ahem. [EVERYONE WAITS FOR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY] Things here…ain't right.
"Brevity is the soul of wit."
[CORRECTING] Frak you.
You tell him, Rayban.
Frak you, too.
Now, everyone, let's not fly off the handle. If we approach this calmly, with a
modicum of logic, it would seem there is a way to determine which is which and who is who, much as
one Canada goose can determine which of any number of identical goslings is in fact its own, as has
been shown in Inuit—
I don't even have to look to know that's you, Fraser.
Just….can it, okay?
As you wish, Ray. That is, if you are Ray.
Shouldn't be too hard to tell those three apart. F'r'instance, this guy— [POINTS AT FRASER]
Hello, Ray. [WAVES AT BILLY]
Shut the fuck up.
He's wearing red, for Chrissakes, which should tell you douchebags that he's,
like, Santa Claus, or something—
Well, no, Ray, I'm a—
[UP IN HIS FACE] Not Ray! Not, not, not! Jeez, buy a clue.
[PULLS BILLY BACK] Okay, okay, settle down before I have to cuff you. [WHISPERS] Look,
I know you want to hit him. God knows I always do, but chill, buddy.
I ain't your buddy, I'm your…um…[AT A LOSS]
Right – what the hell are we?
Darned if I know.
"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio…"
There are many, many, many, many copies.
If you'll allow me...As you all know, I first came to Wilby on the trail of
nuclear terrorists, and, for reasons which don't need exploring at this juncture—
[CHECKS WATCH] Excuse me, but is this going to take long? I have a wedding in Buffalo
Jump at two-thirty.
"I am gone, sir, and anon, sir, I'll be with you again!" [OPENS CABINET, FINDS SKULL AND BOTTLE OF BOOZE] Huzzah!
[SUDDENLY EXPLODES INTO ACTION] Okay, that's it. Everybody out! I mean it! Go! [HE STARTS TO PULL THEM UP AND
PUSH THEM TOWARD THE DOOR] I can't take one more minute of this. All of you, get out of my house!
[JOSTLING EACH OTHER, THEY EXIT.]
Dude, no need to shove—
Thank you kindly for all your hospi—
"Exit, stage left!"
[SLAMS DOOR] Whew! Good riddance. Thank goodness that's over.
What the hell do they want now?
[HE FLINGS OPEN DOOR. JOE DICK, MIKE SWEENEY, DARREN NICHOLS, RAY LIEBERMAN, OLLIE FROM MASTERMINDS
AND A COUPLE MORE LEOBENS STAND THERE]
Hey, cuntface. Mind if we come in?
[TO CAMERA] Oh no!
FADE TO BLACK
CLOSING THEME: [Addams Family]
Doo da doo doo [SNAP SNAP]
Doo da doo doo [SNAP SNAP]
Doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo [SNAP SNAP]
There's Leoben and Billy,
Their home life is a dilly,
Wilby will be silly
There's Gus and Duck and Stanley ["It's Ray!"]
And Geoffrey who's a ham-ly
They're not a normal fam'ly,
Doo da doo doo
Doo da doo doo
Doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo
The situation's sticky,
And living here is tricky,
The whole thing's kinda icky,