Natural Instinct

Shay Sheridan

Fandom: Sex Pistols, aka Love Pistols, Kunimasa/Norio, Yonikuni/Shiro.
Written for Yuletide 2007.
Sex Pistols, (aka Love Pistols) is a crazy yaoi manga series. In it we learn that not every person is descended from monkeys. Thus Norio, a "missing link," becomes a highly desirable mate for virtually every cat, dog, snake, alligator or bear descendant on the planet. Add to that the fact that males of these species can bear children, and the crack is of the epic variety.


"My brother," growled Kunimasa, "is an idiot."

"Oh, now, I wouldn't say that." Norio risked a look to the front seat and then moved closer to purr into Kunimasa's ear. This close it was really easy to sniff Kunimasa surreptitiously - the last thing he wanted was Kunimasa pushing him away in front of Yonikuni and Shiro. "He thinks this is a good idea - that it'll help me and Shiro with our training. I'm sure it's for the best." Mmm, Kunimasa smelled so good...maybe just a little lick-

"Would you get off me? I'm not a homo." A sharp elbow to the stomach and Norio retreated to the other side of the car.

"Yeah, right," Norio muttered darkly, rubbing his ribs. "Then how come you keep saying you wanna do me?!"

"Hey - knock it off back there," Yonikuni hissed from behind the wheel.

Kunimasa banged on Yonikuni's headrest. "What are you, my father?"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Please," interjected Shiro in a placating tone, "will both of you stop? I don't want to get in a car crash." He leaned over the seat and spoke to Kunimasa, an ingratiating smile on his face. "Don't provoke Yonikuni. You know how he gets."

Kunimasa grunted a reply. "Still, it's a stupid idea, going camping. For an entire weekend, no less."

"Hey!" Yonikuni yelled, banking the car sharply to the right. "It wasn't my idea, you know."

"Right," Shiro agreed. "It's supposed to speed things along, to stick us together all alone in the wild."

"Right." Kunimasa snorted. "But that's supposed to be me and Norio, and you and my brother, not Norio and me and the two of you clowns! That's just...sick!"

"I think it's nice," Norio put in. "It'll be fun."

"Yeah? Well who cares what you think?"

"Great. You want me to bear your child, but you don't care what I think." Norio scooted even further away. "You suck."

"Yeah, you do, Kunimasa."

"Shut up, Yonikuni."

"Come on, let's all get along!'

"Shut up, Chairman!"


Because Yonikuni professed there was a chill in the air and had to go find a sunny rock to lie on, and because Kunimasa wandered away complaining he wasn't cut out for doing menial tasks, the job of putting up the tents fell to Norio and Shiro.

Well, Norio reflected, at least Shiro was pleasant, unlike the Madarame brothers. And unlike himself, Shiro had put up a tent before. Unfortunately, when all the equipment was unrolled, they made a surprising discovery. "Only one tent?" Norio frowned. "That's...weird, huh?"

"I would have to agree. Seems it kinda defeats the purpose of bonding with your mate, doesn't it?" Shiro looked toward the riverbank where Yonikuni had gone. "I mean..." he grinned. "-With in-laws in the same tent."

Actually, Norio thought with a fair amount of relief, maybe that meant his virtue was safe for at least another day.

The tent was up - and a masterful job they did, if Norio did say so himself - the supplies unwrapped and they were unrolling the sleeping bags when Kunimasa ambled back. "Hey!" There was an accusatory note in his voice as he loomed over the other two. "Where's the other tent?"

Shiro shrugged. "This is it, Madarame. Either somebody forgot to pack it or we're meant to share."

"Can't be right. How am I supposed to, ya know-" he jerked his head in Norio's direction "-with Norio?"

"Well," Norio put in quickly, "maybe you're not supposed to...er, not now, anyway. Maybe were just supposed to, you know, bond."

"I know the kinda bonding I want," Kunimasa leered. "This is killing me. Stuff builds up, ya know!"

"You mean you haven't been giving it to your girlfriends?" Norio said sarcastically. "Color me surprised."

"Listen, you little freak, don't you dare-" A fist came up in Norio's face and he mewled in terror.

"Guys, guys!" Shiro was there between them, but this time the smile on his lips was distinctly feral in nature. "Calm the fuck down, okay?"

"Or what?" snarled Kunimasa.

"Don't make me show you."

Norio shivered. He thought maybe Kunimasa did, too. A little, anyway.

Shiro started a fire. Norio took a deep breath of scented air. He had to admit that it was nice being so far from civilization. It made him feel connected to nature - wilder, maybe. The thought of that widened his eyes. Sometimes it was impossible to consider that despite fifteen years of living as a normal human, he wasn't one at all - that he was something different, something special. He glanced across the fire at his companions. Kunimasa and the Chairman - they were special, too, as was Yonikuni -

His eyes darted around the circle. "Hey, where's Yonikuni?"

Kunimasa shrugged. "My brother's an idiot. He probably got lost."

"No, really," Shiro said, concerned. "It's getting dark. The sun is gone. Where could he be?"

"He said he was going to the riverbank."

Shiro nodded and rose. "I'm gonna go find him." He grabbed the flashlight and trotted off.

"Yeah, well, have a great time," Kunimasa growled. His eyes snapped up to Norio, the irises glowing in the firelight. "And now we can have some quality time, finally-"

"We-" And with that Kunimasa's enormous paw closed on Norio's jacket and he was hauled unceremoniously into the tent. "Wah! Wait a-"

"'M tired of waiting! I need it now!" Kunimasa lunged.

"Whoa! Just-" In a desperate attempt to save his clothing (which Kunimasa was making clumsy efforts to rip away) Norio wrenched himself out from under the larger body and tried to undo it himself. "Okay! Hold on!"

"Hurry up!"

"Are you sure you really want to-"

"Do you want to live, Norio, or shall I just kill you right now?"

Well, I guess this is it, then, Norio thought with resignation. It's come to this - giving up my virtue in a canvas tent. Didn't even get a mattress.

"Help!"

"What was that?" Norio's head turned.

"Nothing. Hurry up."

"Help!"

"No, really. I heard something, something like 'help!'"

"Listen, Norio," Kunimasa threatened, "You're gonna need help if you don't let me do you right now."

"Kunimasa, help!"

"Okay, you gotta have heard that." Norio shoved hard and Kunimasa went sprawling. He peered outside to see Shiro staggering towards the campfire, dragging Yonikuni with him. The blond boy's hair lay in wet clumps on his forehead and neck. "Chairman! Yonikuni-kun! What-" Ignoring Kunimasa's frustrated complaints Norio scrambled out of the tent. "What happened?"

"Norio - quick, help me get him near the fire."

Kunimasa came out of the tent. "What's going on?"

"Looks like he fell into the water," Shiro muttered. "Got so cold he couldn't find the energy to pull himself out." He moved his burden towards the fire. "We need to build that up."

"No time - it's not enough," Kunimasa said, feeling his brother's neck and hands. "Gonna have to get him in the tent and get him stripped off. We'll have to heat him up with body contact."

"Eh?" Norio twitched. "Not that again!"

"Come on, Norio." Kunimasa shoved him toward the tent on Shiro's heels. Shiro and Kunimasa pulled the limp body with them; once inside the two of them peeled Yonikuni's wet clothes from his body. "Stupid serpent," Kunimasa said, but Norio could hear the concern in his voice. "Can't even sit by the water without getting in trouble." He tugged at his own clothes, removing them swiftly. Norio saw Shiro doing the same.

"Come on, Norio!" Shiro barked. The unexpected roughness in his tone was enough to spur Norio to action, and quickly he removed his clothing, trying not to think too much about what was happening.

Kunimasa took control, having the most experience in dealing with his brother's problematic body temperature. He lay down on one of the sleeping bags, pulling Yonikuni next to him, and Shiro quickly completed the sandwich on the other side. Norio had a moment's confusion, until Kunimasa bellowed for him to jump on top, and pull a sleeping bag over all of them.

Norio took a deep breath and did so.

It was weird at first- all that naked flesh under his body, next to him, beneath his hands, not to mention the clammy nature of Yonikuni's chilled skin. Norio wondered if he were always like that, or if it was just the river water that had made him so...reptilian to the touch.

But he quickly forgot about it; warmth was slowly blossoming under him, and Kunimasa's hand on his flank was large and hot. Meanwhile, Shiro was radiating so much body heat it was almost too much to bear under the sleeping bag, but Norio figured under the circumstances it was just as well, for Yonikuni's sake.

Soon the weirdness faded away completely. He was settling into a near lethargy, on his way to a catnap, when a hand ran up the inside of his thigh. "Um...Kunimasa?"

"What?"

"Your, you know - your hand."

"What, this hand?" The hand on his flank lifted away. The one on his inner thigh remained.

"The other one."

"What other one?" There was an edge to Kunimasa's voice. "My other hand's nowhere near you."

"No," murmured a voice to his right as Shiro shifted. "It's touching me."

"Then, Shiro, I don't think you should be touching me."

"Norio, both of my arms are around Yonikuni."

"Then who..." The hand on his thigh stroked higher, closing around his balls. "Hey!"

"Yonikuni, you motherfucker! Are you groping my bitch?"

Somewhere deep in the pile of bodies a decidedly snakelike laugh rumbled forth. "So what if I am?"

"You son of a-"

"Watch it," Yoniluni warned. "Mom's a snake, not a dog, you know."

"I oughtta bust your head in!"

"Yeah? We'll it's a good thing it's cold out or I'd take you down, right here!"

"Come on, 'Masa, Yonikuni," Shiro interrupted, clearly frustrated. "Let's make the best of the situation, okay?"

"What's 'best' about having to touch all these guys?"

"Well," sighed Shiro, "can't you think of it like we're in a nice warm dog pile?"

"Ew, gross," Norio said, spitting.

"No way I'm in a pile with a bunch of mutts," growled Kunimasa.

"You guys suck," hissed Yonikuni.

Shiro sighed dramatically. "Geez, you guys are harsh."

Despite mutterings from all corners the eruption died down and the four of them stayed as they were.

"Um...Kunimasa?"

"What is it now?"

"Is this what's supposed to help my training?"

"Shut up!"

"Morons. Both of you."

"Oh yeah? Well, who's the idiot who fell into the river?"

Norio lay atop the dog-cat-leopard-snake pile and reflected darkly that it was going to be a long weekend.

A very long weekend, indeed.


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